An open letter to Heavy Metal...

I was reading the most recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine yesterday.

They had a short interview with Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue fame.

Eff off!

I am SO tired of ancient ex-partier rockers in their leathers STILL on about how damn hardcore they are.

Nikki was lamenting the situation popular music is in. He asked where the Johnny Rottens were? The Joey Ramones? The Ozzys? He wondered who was going to get out there and 'wave their dicks'.

(I'm paraphrasing here because the article isn't in front of me. I remember he said Johnny Rotten, but I think I can fill in the rest even if he didn't use ~those~ particular names.)

Anyway...last I checked they (the ~same guys~) were ~still~ waving their crusty and old dicks during their last 'reunion' tour. Or they died trying.

If you want a new breed of rock and roller to explode onto the scene and take their place in the rock and roll legacy...move over! And while you're at it, here's some eye lotion and baby powder for the chaffing those leather pants are bound to have caused after all these years. You've grown up now...or at least you should have. And stop trying to sound super hard by relating over and over how many drugs you ~used~ to do! Yes, I'm talking to you Velvet Revolver. If you're going to play music, then play music. But -for the love of Christ- shut up or at least say ~something~ new while you're doing it. Anything that doesn't start with, 'oh fuck, I fucking can't believe I'm still fucking alive, maaaan....'.

And...as a personal favour...please don't tell me about your ex-porn star wife and her 'abilities'. 'Cause Tommy wrecked it for you and now it all sounds like, 'awww..fuck, Pam...you're so fucking hot'.

But if you're not going to do that, please don't whine and moan that there just simply is no one out there to replace you. Why would they want to? Why would they try? You're still here! You're still here pleading with your audience to remember you the way you ~were~ so you don't feel so ridiculous up there while you're sober. Ahh...you don't look as good as you thought you did under the influence, hey? Well, don't feel too bad. It worked for you in the 80s.

And another hint for aging rock stars: It's hard to take you seriously after we've seen you strutting (or stuttering, in some cases) your stuff on a reality TV show. Try to grow older with a bit of dignity.