Friday, February 17, 2006

You've been...

edgar allen pwned
Originally uploaded by himbly.
It's 1:39 am on thurs night/fri morning and I'm finishing my takehome exam due tomorrow. Yes, I know...I ought to have done this earlier...

However...due to a remarkable (and so very quick) discovery, I am treating myself to a little blogging for being oh, so smart and figuring it out in WAY less time than I thought I would.

So gather, children, and let me tell you tales of great adventure...we (my partners in this adventure and I) call this one You Got Greased (alt title Pwned!).

I worked tonight at the theatre, along side my usual Tuesday night companions...

(yes, I know it's Thursday...I switched days...quit throwing me off)

...a sweet couple I shall call C and J.

First show goes in...

Now, J noticed this way before I did, but these two girls (young girls, may I add) made frequent trips to the bathroom...leaving fairly quickly, like, not really enough time to 'squat and wipe' as J put it.

When one girl brought out her boyfriend to stand in the lobby as she took her turn in the restroom...even I got suspicious. J finally had enough and inspected the bathroom after she left...sure enough...

Cocaine, ladies and gentlemen...the very stuff the residue of which was easily seen atop the back of one of our toilets.

Let me pause for a small aside here: I work in a theatre that's about 80 years old...started off as a garage in the 20s...and it looks that way. The place, as dear as I hold it to my heart, is a freaking mess. Those toilets, sorry to say, need cleaning. Now, to get a little personal here...I'm a squatter. I don't sit on any public toilet unless I have a nest of a thousand tissues. The public restroom in question, well, I don't use it unless I can manage practically standing (besides, I know where the executive bathroom is).

So..imagine my shock, not only that 16'ish year old girls are inhaling the devil's dust, and not only because they were there with an adult (someone's mum? I dunno...), but why on earth would you injest anything that was sitting on the back of any toilet, much less one of ours???

After she went back into the theatre, C, J and I went to work. My first idea was to spread comet on the back of the toilet. After quick discussion, we decided that if a 16 year old is strung out enough, they may be stupid enough to think the coke-fairy has come and dropped off a pile of the stuff on the top of each toilet in the bathroom. We decided that revenge would not be as sweet with a dead teen on our hands, so I used the opportunity to give the toilets a quick wipedown.

If you wanna see a movie and pee/poo during your visit, now's the time, folks!

We toyed with the dill powder, coffee mate...and decided against anything they could end up inhaling, no matter how vinegar-y it was. Then J told us about the time she worked at a restaurant and the same thing happened to them.

"We sprayed Pam on the back of the toilets"

*looks all around*

C suggested, "the popcorn oil!"

I grabbed a small chunk of the coconut oil we use to pop our corn, melted it in my hand and wiped the back of each toilet with a fine coat. It was perfect, you couldn't tell at all.

Then...we waited.

The show let out...I was busy upstairs, but when I returned, J leapt over to me, laughing.

"They went into the bathroom after the show, so I peeked in and sure enough there were 4 feet in one stall. After a bit of a commotion, they came out really pissed off."

Then she said, "hahahahahahahaha"

Apparently, they stomped out of the bathroom and announced, "FUUUUCK". Walking past J, they both tried to turn her into a block of ice using the power of their snarls. J's reply was a beaming smile and "HA! hahahaha."

So, I ran into the bathroom to see the result.

Oh. My. God. Cocaine mixed with coconut grease smeared across the top of the toilet.

So freaking funny.

We couldn't stop laughing.


eener said...


Feynman and Coulter's Love Child said...

Ironically, using Comet would have probably been blamed on a street vendor mixing product up, the sick (not likely dead) girl would likely have ended up ratting out the dealer and you would have likely seen a drug pusher arrested as a result. Think of it as win-win.

Himbly said...


that's some weird logic

Himbly said...

You know, after thinking about it for awhile I've realized that I can't even count the ways that you're wrong, lovechild.

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