I'm allergic to nuts.
I actually don't know ~which~ nuts I'm allergic to, I've just avoided all things nutty since I was two years old. Well, at that age, I was having them avoided for me.
It all started one day when my mother, unaware of my condition, was lovingly pushing me in a cart through Safeway when she came across a display of walnuts. She carefully chose one, bit off a small chunk, fed it to me and then stood back in horror as she watched her cherubic little darling swell into something that resembled a hungover John Merrick.
She sat up all night listening to my breathing patterns after a doctor at the hospital sent us home with a 'just keep an eye on her and she should be alright'.
So...ever since...I've never eaten nuts. There's a couple I've ingested by accident...it's a crap shoot, really. I've come through some of those times completely unscathed and other times it has resulted in a very uncomfortable evening of finding an uncrowded walk-in clinic. But I've not been to the hospital since...so I doubt I'm the type that will keel over if a peanut touches one of my M&Ms.
Which puts me in the (seemingly) unique position of not knowing what nuts taste like. I know I've had them, but had I known there were nuts in whatever I was eating, I would have not eaten them...you see? So, I don't know what the taste ~is~, exactly. Not all nuts taste like danger to me, so it's difficult to say. Plus, ~quantity~ is a factor. Say I were to eat something and find nuts in it...the next mouthful may be the mouthful that changes my day from carefree to constricted throat. So, if I suspect something's amis, it's best to abort the whole eating mission altogether.
Which is what I was trying to explain to the kid at the coffeeshop today when I told him I was unable to identify the 'different' taste of my iced vanilla latte, but needed to know if it was nuts because I didn't know what nuts tasted like. He was very cool about it and gave me a new one, but he was all, 'dude...you don't know what nuts ~taste~ like? That is so, like, weird.'
My mother, in her unending struggle to not let her baby be denied any of life's pleasures, bought me No Nut Butter...a peanut butter substitute made, I think, of peas...not sure. I'll check the label. Anyway...I don't like it. According to my boy and blackmana...it tastes almost like the real thing, so if that's the case then I suggest it's an acquired taste that I have not acquired through years of being handed a pb&j sandwich and sent to watch cartoons. The boy eats it now. Which brings me to another funny event when I offered to make him toast one morning and asked what he'd like on it.
"Peanut butter and marmalade!"
"Really??", I asked because he's often a joker.
"uh...yeah...of course"
See? I don't know what goes with peanutbutter. I hear jelly. I hear bananas. Hell if I know.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Sunday, November 21, 2004
shhh...no words
I've been trying to think of a post that would go with this...but I can't. It would best be left on it's own.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...a proud man:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...a proud man:
Great God A'mighty!
Will someone please tell me what the EFF this is ???
I suggest the Kid's Corner.
I've seen this site -looked over it again and again- for a couple of years now. I ~don't think~ it's a joke. I ~think~ it's real. BUT I'm never quite sure. If it is a joke, I will prostrate myself at the feet of the world's greatest pranksters. If it ~isn't~ a joke, I will prostrate myself at the feet of Jesus...
*pfffft*
no I won't.
Got nothing against Jesus. Sounded like a decent guy. Got everything against his followers. Packs of mangy hounds. Very generally. Not all of them. Just the frothy ones. Like the ones that wrote that site. If it's true.
This ones not true, but funny, too:
WWBD?
I suggest the Kid's Corner.
I've seen this site -looked over it again and again- for a couple of years now. I ~don't think~ it's a joke. I ~think~ it's real. BUT I'm never quite sure. If it is a joke, I will prostrate myself at the feet of the world's greatest pranksters. If it ~isn't~ a joke, I will prostrate myself at the feet of Jesus...
*pfffft*
no I won't.
Got nothing against Jesus. Sounded like a decent guy. Got everything against his followers. Packs of mangy hounds. Very generally. Not all of them. Just the frothy ones. Like the ones that wrote that site. If it's true.
This ones not true, but funny, too:
WWBD?
the only fear is fear itself
Well...now I've gone and done it. I done told a work colleague my blog addy.
Hi Bumf.
No big deal, really, I'm just a/ shy about my blog, but whatever, that's my problem and b/ I was worried that I would eventually bitch about work and he'd be there to read it.
So...there's nothing to do but confront fear head on:
G-damn I hate my effing job.
(Bumf...you are sworn to secrecy...what is read on the web, stays on the web. Fair?)
Now...allow me to make a few disclaimers. The ~people~ I work with are great...not just saying that because Bumf is here. I'm generally left alone. There's just enough insane women to keep me amused. Bumf and a couple of others come around for a pretty good chat every so often. My boss is pretty fair and loves hearing my D&D stories. I even get paid decently - for what I do. The owner of the company is pretty cool...like, in an actual 'hip' way...not like a JC Anderson cool in a 'my god, he's just like the cartoon' way.
BUT...
but...
oh my god, but...
what have I done? My job is so useless. My talents (whatever they are) go untouched. I'm so much smarter than my job requires me to be. And as every day goes by, I've spent another 8 hours helping rich men get petroleum out of the ground as fast as those little pumpjacks can suck so that everyone can drive their monster SUVs to the corner store and keep it running while they rent Titanic. Again.
Arrgghhh.
And all because I ~really dig~ linguistics. And I was too lazy/intimidated/whatever to resist the call of oil and gas when I was a freshly graduated, newly unemployed lass.
That was 7 years ago...and for those 7 years, I've been floating at these pink collar jobs. 7 years in a pool of 'support women of the office' which often is the cattiest little group of cliches I've ever seen.
But that's another rant for another day.
So...I've made mistakes. Many.
But that's another rant for another day.
What I've got will do for now. I've luckily got my projection gig, my tutoring gig, my hobbies so that I can feel productive and interested. Eventually, the grad school in my future will be in my present...
but that's another rant for another day.
Hi Bumf.
No big deal, really, I'm just a/ shy about my blog, but whatever, that's my problem and b/ I was worried that I would eventually bitch about work and he'd be there to read it.
So...there's nothing to do but confront fear head on:
G-damn I hate my effing job.
(Bumf...you are sworn to secrecy...what is read on the web, stays on the web. Fair?)
Now...allow me to make a few disclaimers. The ~people~ I work with are great...not just saying that because Bumf is here. I'm generally left alone. There's just enough insane women to keep me amused. Bumf and a couple of others come around for a pretty good chat every so often. My boss is pretty fair and loves hearing my D&D stories. I even get paid decently - for what I do. The owner of the company is pretty cool...like, in an actual 'hip' way...not like a JC Anderson cool in a 'my god, he's just like the cartoon' way.
BUT...
but...
oh my god, but...
what have I done? My job is so useless. My talents (whatever they are) go untouched. I'm so much smarter than my job requires me to be. And as every day goes by, I've spent another 8 hours helping rich men get petroleum out of the ground as fast as those little pumpjacks can suck so that everyone can drive their monster SUVs to the corner store and keep it running while they rent Titanic. Again.
Arrgghhh.
And all because I ~really dig~ linguistics. And I was too lazy/intimidated/whatever to resist the call of oil and gas when I was a freshly graduated, newly unemployed lass.
That was 7 years ago...and for those 7 years, I've been floating at these pink collar jobs. 7 years in a pool of 'support women of the office' which often is the cattiest little group of cliches I've ever seen.
But that's another rant for another day.
So...I've made mistakes. Many.
But that's another rant for another day.
What I've got will do for now. I've luckily got my projection gig, my tutoring gig, my hobbies so that I can feel productive and interested. Eventually, the grad school in my future will be in my present...
but that's another rant for another day.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
And speaking of...
Re: quote from before
I love Woody Allen and I'm going to include some quotes I've found here:
www.woodyallen.com
I can't do the fancy-dancy link thing yet 'cause a/ I'm too lazy and b/ .... well, I think a/ covers it. I'll learn it eventually and have a pretty blog like e'ryone else. But for now, here:
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child."
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
AAAHhhhahahahahahahaha...
*wiping tears*
aren't you glad I did that?
I love Woody Allen and I'm going to include some quotes I've found here:
www.woodyallen.com
I can't do the fancy-dancy link thing yet 'cause a/ I'm too lazy and b/ .... well, I think a/ covers it. I'll learn it eventually and have a pretty blog like e'ryone else. But for now, here:
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child."
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
AAAHhhhahahahahahahaha...
*wiping tears*
aren't you glad I did that?
Like the man with the glasses said...
Tragedy + time = humour
I occasionally peruse the photoshop phridays on somethingawful.com but none of those photoshopped pictures...and some are damn funny...made me laugh as much as when I first saw this.
I occasionally peruse the photoshop phridays on somethingawful.com but none of those photoshopped pictures...and some are damn funny...made me laugh as much as when I first saw this.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Attractive to the elderly since 1980...
Remember that story I told you about the 74 year old man trying to pick up the lovely young lady? Me?
Okay...so the funny thing is this. And this isn't a shady story from my past, so don't get all weirded out 'cause it was a situation that ~could~ have gone bad....but didn't...so no harm was done. ANYWAY...
When I was about 8 or 9, my grandmother was in Safeway and I was outside playing and waiting with my little cousin. An old man came up to talk to us and it never dawned on me what he was trying to do. I remember ~now~ that he was trying to get me/us to go with him, but it ALSO never dawned on me to do so and that was that. But...I politely chatted with the old bastard, as I was taught to do, refusing any and all invitations for the steamy photo session I was surely in for had I left my post.
(I could have been a star!)
When it came time for him to leave...which I now realize was about the time my grandmother would have come to fetch us...he turned to me, held my face and planted a HUGE kiss directly on my mouth. TOTALLY startled, I ran inside Safeway with my cousin and found Nanny.
Nanny...always knowing what to do in a crisis...IMMEDIATELY took me to her house, sat me on the bathroom counter and sprayed perfume in my mouth while telling me stories of New Year's Eve.
"Iz alright, Steeephy. New Year's Eve ~everyone~ kissing each other. No one get sick."
*spray spray*
SO...let's get back in the time machine and sail to just a few days ago when I'm telling my father the story about the old man trying his luck on Halloween.
After his laughter died down:
He said, "do you remember when you were little and you were playing outside of Safeway while waiting for your grandmother?"
I said,"Oh! Totally! I remembered right away because I was like, "yup...still got it"...I was like, 12, right?"
He said,"No no no...you were, like, 8 or 9 because THAT was the reason I started to take you to Stampede Wrestling."
Yes...had it not been for the elderly pervert happening across two young girls at Safeway, I would have never enjoyed weeks of Stampede Wrestling at the Pavilion fun...and it ~was~ a super lot of fun. For...you see...my father saw in me that I had ~too~ much respect for my elders, so he took me to the one place in our fair city that he knew I would encounter the greatest density of adults I ~never~ had to respect my entire life...therefore learning the golden rule:
The world is generally made up of retards. Don't listen to them.
I try to practice it every day.
Goodnight, children. Don't kiss any old strangers.
Okay...so the funny thing is this. And this isn't a shady story from my past, so don't get all weirded out 'cause it was a situation that ~could~ have gone bad....but didn't...so no harm was done. ANYWAY...
When I was about 8 or 9, my grandmother was in Safeway and I was outside playing and waiting with my little cousin. An old man came up to talk to us and it never dawned on me what he was trying to do. I remember ~now~ that he was trying to get me/us to go with him, but it ALSO never dawned on me to do so and that was that. But...I politely chatted with the old bastard, as I was taught to do, refusing any and all invitations for the steamy photo session I was surely in for had I left my post.
(I could have been a star!)
When it came time for him to leave...which I now realize was about the time my grandmother would have come to fetch us...he turned to me, held my face and planted a HUGE kiss directly on my mouth. TOTALLY startled, I ran inside Safeway with my cousin and found Nanny.
Nanny...always knowing what to do in a crisis...IMMEDIATELY took me to her house, sat me on the bathroom counter and sprayed perfume in my mouth while telling me stories of New Year's Eve.
"Iz alright, Steeephy. New Year's Eve ~everyone~ kissing each other. No one get sick."
*spray spray*
SO...let's get back in the time machine and sail to just a few days ago when I'm telling my father the story about the old man trying his luck on Halloween.
After his laughter died down:
He said, "do you remember when you were little and you were playing outside of Safeway while waiting for your grandmother?"
I said,"Oh! Totally! I remembered right away because I was like, "yup...still got it"...I was like, 12, right?"
He said,"No no no...you were, like, 8 or 9 because THAT was the reason I started to take you to Stampede Wrestling."
Yes...had it not been for the elderly pervert happening across two young girls at Safeway, I would have never enjoyed weeks of Stampede Wrestling at the Pavilion fun...and it ~was~ a super lot of fun. For...you see...my father saw in me that I had ~too~ much respect for my elders, so he took me to the one place in our fair city that he knew I would encounter the greatest density of adults I ~never~ had to respect my entire life...therefore learning the golden rule:
The world is generally made up of retards. Don't listen to them.
I try to practice it every day.
Goodnight, children. Don't kiss any old strangers.
ugh...internet....ugh
Could someone please direct me to some cool sites?
Everytime I think of something I want to look up when I'm away from this damn thing...well, they just go slap outta my head by the time I come back. It's the same thing I get when I go to Recordland or a book store...
*walking*
I want this..and I want to check for that...and oh, yeah...this...and that....
*through doors*
*blink blink*
huh?
wha?
So...please....before I go back to amazon.ca!!
Everytime I think of something I want to look up when I'm away from this damn thing...well, they just go slap outta my head by the time I come back. It's the same thing I get when I go to Recordland or a book store...
*walking*
I want this..and I want to check for that...and oh, yeah...this...and that....
*through doors*
*blink blink*
huh?
wha?
So...please....before I go back to amazon.ca!!
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Hello Handsome...
I got hit on by a 74 year old man on Sunday. So I bet my halloween was WAY scarier than yours.
That's what you get for being nice to the elderly. Propositioned in a wholly inappropriate way. And, being a "nice old man", it was ~completely~ unexpected that he would ask to come home with me. But, since I'm still respecting him because he's old, I excused myself and ran away. Had he been 30 years younger, I would have belittled him to his face as I've done ~countless~ times...amusing myself and the people surrounding me. WHICH the old bastard deserved.
However...had that been one of my friends, I would have said, 'well, you can't blame him for trying'...so...there it is.
That's what you get for being nice to the elderly. Propositioned in a wholly inappropriate way. And, being a "nice old man", it was ~completely~ unexpected that he would ask to come home with me. But, since I'm still respecting him because he's old, I excused myself and ran away. Had he been 30 years younger, I would have belittled him to his face as I've done ~countless~ times...amusing myself and the people surrounding me. WHICH the old bastard deserved.
However...had that been one of my friends, I would have said, 'well, you can't blame him for trying'...so...there it is.
red, blue, swing states and headaches
I, like everyone else, have been following this damn election. In fact I'm listening to the results come in as I type this.
*sigh*
I, like everyone else...well, everyone ~I~ know, want Kerry to win. But, we're just gonna have to deal with what we get.
ha..."we"...I'm Canadian and I, like everyone else, know that whoever they pick will affect us, too. I heard a guy on the radio a few weeks ago actually wonder why the whole world feels the need to watch this election so closely. Ha!
But anyway...some thoughts:
Firstly, it must suck to be John Kerry and know that your biggest selling point to Americans and the rest of the world isn't who you are, but who you aren't.
Secondly....have we all been playing bit parts in this over-the-top action film for a very long time, or did it just start recently? We've got all the elements of a blockbuster hollywood film. Here:
- we've got the criminal mastermind who is unwaveringly evil and strikes when and where we least expect it. And he's ~just~ out of our grasp. He taunts us with audio and video tapes, in which he makes little personal "pokes" at our "brave and fearless leader". He's different than us. He wears different clothes and speaks in strange tongues. And... he lives in a cave. Cave = lair. He's for sure got all sorts of evil-doing equipment scattered all over the damn place behind some secret entrance. And, on top of that, he doesn't even worship the right god.
(aside: reading about Bin Laden's tape the other day, I started laughing when I reached the part where he chided W for sitting in that classroom for 7 minutes. I mean...of COURSE he's seen Fahrenheit 911.)
- we've got the "brave and fearless" leader. A bit reckless and cocky (all he needs is a police chief boss yelling that he's a loose cannon)
"You're a loose cannon, Bush! You're off the case!"
(and..as and added bonus, our hero is about as smart as the actors who have traditionally taken that role. But nowhere near as pretty.)
I suppose Kerry fills the role of you're-off-the-case guy. Which brings us to...
- we've got the struggle between the two forces of good about how to fight against the force of evil. I mean...check out the suspense we've gone through since the beginning of the campaign. Will he be allowed to stay on the case and catch the bad guy? Oh god! I hope the well-meaning but inaffective chief doesn't get his way.
- we've got the evil henchman who's laughs through his dying coughs.
"ha *cough cough* ha...I'm not the guy you want. Yes, I tried to kill your father, but I wasn't involved in Bin Laden's schemes. He's escaped your grasp once again. Ha *cough* ha ha uuugggghhhhhhhhhh"
('kay, he's not dead, but he was pretty sick when they found him)
- we've got a cast of thousands....and thousands dead.
all we need is a love interest and I'd SWEAR we're being watched in some intergalactic film festival.
*sigh*
I, like everyone else...well, everyone ~I~ know, want Kerry to win. But, we're just gonna have to deal with what we get.
ha..."we"...I'm Canadian and I, like everyone else, know that whoever they pick will affect us, too. I heard a guy on the radio a few weeks ago actually wonder why the whole world feels the need to watch this election so closely. Ha!
But anyway...some thoughts:
Firstly, it must suck to be John Kerry and know that your biggest selling point to Americans and the rest of the world isn't who you are, but who you aren't.
Secondly....have we all been playing bit parts in this over-the-top action film for a very long time, or did it just start recently? We've got all the elements of a blockbuster hollywood film. Here:
- we've got the criminal mastermind who is unwaveringly evil and strikes when and where we least expect it. And he's ~just~ out of our grasp. He taunts us with audio and video tapes, in which he makes little personal "pokes" at our "brave and fearless leader". He's different than us. He wears different clothes and speaks in strange tongues. And... he lives in a cave. Cave = lair. He's for sure got all sorts of evil-doing equipment scattered all over the damn place behind some secret entrance. And, on top of that, he doesn't even worship the right god.
(aside: reading about Bin Laden's tape the other day, I started laughing when I reached the part where he chided W for sitting in that classroom for 7 minutes. I mean...of COURSE he's seen Fahrenheit 911.)
- we've got the "brave and fearless" leader. A bit reckless and cocky (all he needs is a police chief boss yelling that he's a loose cannon)
"You're a loose cannon, Bush! You're off the case!"
(and..as and added bonus, our hero is about as smart as the actors who have traditionally taken that role. But nowhere near as pretty.)
I suppose Kerry fills the role of you're-off-the-case guy. Which brings us to...
- we've got the struggle between the two forces of good about how to fight against the force of evil. I mean...check out the suspense we've gone through since the beginning of the campaign. Will he be allowed to stay on the case and catch the bad guy? Oh god! I hope the well-meaning but inaffective chief doesn't get his way.
- we've got the evil henchman who's laughs through his dying coughs.
"ha *cough cough* ha...I'm not the guy you want. Yes, I tried to kill your father, but I wasn't involved in Bin Laden's schemes. He's escaped your grasp once again. Ha *cough* ha ha uuugggghhhhhhhhhh"
('kay, he's not dead, but he was pretty sick when they found him)
- we've got a cast of thousands....and thousands dead.
all we need is a love interest and I'd SWEAR we're being watched in some intergalactic film festival.
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